I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Finally, an explanation.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Yup!
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
an octopus is just a wet spider
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying