[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Extremely relatable.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.