Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
sigh
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.