Should I call tech support or pray or what
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…