Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.