[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
never ask a starfish for directions
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them