Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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I don’t get marriage
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.