Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
😂 amazing answer
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.