Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*