Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe