My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?