Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
favorite tropes as memes
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.