My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Kermit goes Blue.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.