Woke up against my better judgment again
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
why no one uses midhusbands
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse