Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse