judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Good Morning.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
live long and prosper!
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?