I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
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I’m already scared
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Respect
With this onion ring, I thee fed