“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.