Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Seek kebab; not attention
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Stop sending me this shit.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””