WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
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Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Said the murderer.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.