I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible