My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”