Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Worth the read.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth