me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
You Might Also Like
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.