Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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The prophecy is fulfilled
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.