Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
How to wake up a Beagle
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes