When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
incredible
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁