Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I canât be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
What do you hear?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4⌠5! Oh dear God..
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quickâŚ
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she âmissed something.â
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
It still works đ¤ˇđźââď¸
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
âFunerals are for the livingâ? Dude youâre doing it wrong
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Who called it âThe Last Supperâ and not âJesus take the mealâ
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.