Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Ferrari squats
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked