HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom