Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My birthstone is kidney
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.