mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.