That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“No way.” -Jose
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.