For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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I created you as mosquito food.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?