Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
fair
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.