Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice