Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously