I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
You Might Also Like
I’m not alone. I have ants.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.