My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
liiiiiiiiike
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.