INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*limbos under the caution tape
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.