Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Comparing yourself to others
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
every college guy’s fridge
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.