me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
i love modern commerce
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
HERE’S MARKY
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop