Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Happy Thanksgiving
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me