[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.