Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”