Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…