A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry