I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Extremely relatable.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)