What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Had to try this trend 😊
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
he looks great for his age
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.