If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
This took me a second..
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack